On Anger

"What ease of mind you gain from not looking at what your neighbor has said or done or thought, but only at your own actions, to make them just, reverential, imbued with good."

- Marcus Aurelius

When someone treats you poorly, your initial reaction is to fight back. But think twice. Never say or do anything fueled by anger, or you’ll end up being the loser.

Never seek refuge from despair by losing your temper. Nothing good will come out of it. You will end up suffering more. Guilt and shame and regret can hurt you more than anger can - and they last longer. They are more disturbing and haunting. They creep in your mind before bedtime to keep you awake, and knock on your consciousness in the morning to wake you up.

You feel angry because you are in pain. But inflicting pain back to the person who caused it will not remove it. Will it change anything? No. It will not only result in futility, but also resentment from the other party.

Abraham Lincoln understood this when he refrained from sending his letter of disappointment to his general, who disobeyed his orders during the Battle of Gettysburg. They had their best chance to capture their enemy and to end the war - as the enemy was weakened and defeated, and trapped on the impassable river of Potomac. But the general’s defiance led to the enemy's escape - so the war continued.

Lincoln had all the power, the influence, and the valid reasons to rebuke his general for insubordination. So he poured his frustrations on a letter, but instead of sending it, he put it away and stored it in his drawer (only to be discovered and made public years after his death).

Lincoln acknowledges that we are creatures of emotion. He understands that sending the letter may relieve his feelings, but it will make the general justify himself and his actions. Sending it will not turn back time and reverse the outcome. It may even cause the general to resent him and quit the army - a consequence Lincoln couldn’t afford in the face of an existing war.

Besides, if Lincoln was in his general’s shoes, he may have done the same thing, considering the amount of blood that was spilled the general had witnessed in the last three days of the battle. So Lincoln chose not to act rashly, not to hastily make conclusions based only on his own judgment. He understands that if he wants to dig for the truth and for the reasons why the general did what he did, he must keep his cool. He must create a safe environment, free of hostility and hatred, so they can talk calmly, and so the general can feel safe explaining his side of the story.

You can copy what Lincoln did. Next time, if you’re angry and you want to talk trash to someone, do it with all your might, but on paper. Say everything you want to say in your writing. Don’t hold back. Pour all your angry thoughts - and leave them there. You get to release some of your pain without causing anyone harm. “Paper is more patient than people,” as Anne Frank wrote in her diary. Trap your thoughts so they stop running inside your head, and so you can stop holding on to them.

There is magic in writing your thoughts down on paper, especially thoughts that evoke strong emotions like anger. Writing them down allows you to see the bigger picture: you get to explore what really upsets you; you get to observe and watch the thoughts that make you feel how you feel rather than identifying yourself with them. Instead of saying “I am angry,” say “I feel angry.” Instead of saying “I am betrayed,” say “I feel betrayed.” Because you are not your feelings. They are just manifestations of the thoughts you chose to entertain. Shouldn't we take a pause and take some time to question some of them?

Writing them down can help us rise above them, and regain our power and control over them. So the next time you feel like bursting in anger, ask yourself: “What would Lincoln do?”

Self-restraint is difficult. You will sometimes be tempted. You will sometimes lose your cool. No one is perfect, but you must try. Refuse to act on the impulse to defend your pride, to stand up and fight.

“It doesn’t degrade you when others treat you poorly, it degrades them,” Ryan Holiday wrote in his book (Ego is The Enemy). “Instead, you must do nothing. Take it. Eat it until you’re sick. Endure it.” It's better to be the one to receive the insult or humiliation or disrespect than to be the one to cause it. Losing control over oneself is defeat. So protect yourself. Protect your inner peace.